This post is a long time coming. I think I wrote the first draft of this post back in July 2021. I have been a little fearful to share my thoughts on this topic because I am NOT an expert and have never really wanted this topic to define me or have people look at me differently for what I’ve been through.
But I think I would’ve really appreciated reading something like this when I was going through this all those years ago.
So even if this post helps one person, it will be well worth my time.
Writing this all out has been an interesting experience for me… Definitely therapeutic. It was also interesting thinking about all of these details again. It almost feels like it was all a terrible TERRIBLE dream that I can’t believe I lived for so long… so if you’re currently in your own bad dream, I’m sorry and I hope this can help you get out of it.
So let’s get started on my story…
Let me take you back to the 8th grade.
Yes, THE EIGHTH GRADE.
That is the earliest time I can date back to me having a problem. I found a journal entry from 8th grade writing about how big I thought I was and how much I hated my body. I wrote that I thought I was so fat and hated every inch of it.
8th grade. 14 years old.
Yeah…
Fast forward throughout the next 11 years of my life, and it was a constant state of unhappiness with my body and a whirlwind of negative internal thoughts daily. My body never felt good enough. I constantly found something wrong with it. I never saw anything good about it.
I never went to talk to anyone about it. I still haven’t to this day, actually. I wish I would’ve. (If you are really struggling, please go talk to a professional. They can help you)
I don’t even think anyone close to me (besides Will) even knows how badly I really struggled day in and day out for so many years. My mind was in a constant state of turmoil about my body.
My lowest point
My lowest point was in 2012 during my sophomore year of college. I would wake up early in the morning and run 6 miles every morning before school. Then I would rush into Cougarette (dance) practice from 3-6 PM, hurry home to do all of my homework, sometimes go to work as a hostess at a local restaurant, and throughout that day I would monitor EVERYTHING I was eating minute by minute. It was exhausting. I was running on nothing.
It was all I ever thought about. It consumed almost every thought of mine.
I couldn’t even watch a movie late at night with friends or family without constantly thinking I should be going to bed so I could wake up early and run and still get my 8 hours of sleep in. Not exercising even one day was unfathomable to me. I remember always feeling so restless on Sundays and needing to go walk just to get out and move.
That February of my sophomore year, we had our Cougarette concert. When I walked out into the lobby after the show to greet my family and friends, I could tell something was off with my mom. After talking to her later, I learned she was completely shocked/scared at how frail I looked up on stage. I lived away from home so she didn’t see me every day and she didn’t know how much weight I had lost. She was so disappointed in me and pleaded with me to start changing whatever I was or wasn’t doing.
The scary part was that I still didn’t think I was “skinny”. At all.
Three months later, I left for Africa for some humanitarian work and things got even worse there. Food was already fairly limited but I would limit it even more and not eat any carbs even if that’s all we were served for dinner. The pictures of myself in Africa are the saddest for me to look back on. Skin and bones. Yet I was still running 6 miles every day in Africa and hated how “big” I thought I was… It was a mental illness I didn’t even know I had.
(let’s just say these pants were tight on my bum the beginning of that year)
When Will came home from his church service mission a couple of months later (he had been gone for two years), I was down to my personal lowest weight and I didn’t see what everyone else saw. I hadn’t had my period in a year and seriously had no clue why that would be. I even went to a doctor wondering if I could get some answers as to why I didn’t have a period. I was in denial. Will was upfront and honest with me a couple of weeks after he got back home saying I was looking very thin and he wanted to help me get healthy again.
I acted like I cared that everyone was trying to help me but I’d just tell them what they wanted to hear. I didn’t see what they saw! I legitimately saw myself as “big” and didn’t understand how they didn’t either. But I pretended to care, gained a little weight to please them, but also still exercised excessively and watched everything I ate, and remained a prisoner in my mind over the number I saw on the scale each morning.
I think I had some sort of body dysmorphia. My eyes couldn’t ever find anything positive about my body. I only saw the negative. I am unsure if would label me as “anorexic” or “bulimic” (I threw up on occasion… like if I ate a huge meal and felt sick after). And as I said, I’ve never talked openly about this before so I am unsure what label you would put on what I had.
The next couple of years were still hard but I tried to act like I was all better. I had gained some weight but still constantly thought about everything I was eating and my exercise regime. I remember multiple occasions going to exercise before we left for Disneyland at the crack of dawn.. as if 16,000 steps wasn’t going to be good enough 🙄
Will was supportive but I kept a lot of what I was dealing with to myself because I was embarrassed at how much it consumed me. I would wake up, weigh myself, and the rest of the day dictated what I saw on the scale.
Now let’s fast forward to the years that started to change me and my life.
Things starting to change…
In August of 2017, I was pregnant for the first time (surprise!) and had symptoms I had never even heard of before. I had always heard of people’s pregnancy symptoms being nauseous, throwing up, and having aversions to so many foods but I had the exact opposite. I woke up one morning when I was 6 weeks along and had the MOST ravenous hunger pang I have ever had… to the point I had to crawl to the kitchen to see what I could find. Actually, CRAWL… I couldn’t stand up without feeling like I was about to faint.
This extreme hunger went on for another 22 weeks or so. I was hungry non-stop, all day, NOTHING would satiate me. I would go to Cafe Rio the second they opened, eat a burrito the size of my head, and leave shaking because I was so hungry I felt like I was going to faint. So, I would go home and eat more. All-day long. All week long. All month long. I couldn’t even care WHAT I was eating because I was just desperate to feel full to stop shaking and feeling like I was going to pass out.
After years and YEARS of hardly eating any carbs (and not even putting butter in my egg pan 😤), I felt like God was trying to teach me something…
This was not my only pregnancy symptom by accident.
I gained 10 pounds before I was even 10 weeks along.
Trying to keep my first pregnancy a “secret” was so hard because I felt like everyone was going to be able to tell right away that I was pregnant. By week 6, I didn’t fit into any of my regular jeans (normally pregnant women can fit into their regular jeans longer than that) and I was gaining more and more weight by the day. I also stopped exercising because I didn’t have the energy even though I was eating all day long.
After years of strictly monitoring every single thing I ate and exercising 6-7 days a week, you would think I would be horrified at all of the rapid weight gain, right?
I couldn’t care less.
I had never loved my body more. Dead serious. Seeing it grow a little human inside of me was the most incredible experience of my life. It was like a spell had come over me. The fact I knew I couldn’t limit my food intake or exercise excessively to protect my baby I was growing was the most liberating feeling. The fact I felt like I had no choice but to take care of this baby set me free.
Near the end of my pregnancy, I started getting a little nervous. Was this “spell” going to go away? Was I going to hate my body again after I was done being pregnant? What would getting back to my “pre-baby” weight be like? Would I turn back into my old, sad, miserable self?
To my surprise, my love for my body only grew. I loved it through all of the postpartum phases (after all, I just delivered a child into the world! A true miracle!) and realized that food is NOT the enemy. Our mind is.
Food is not the enemy. Our mind is.
Postpartum, I was still eating all the carbs and desserts I wanted and was happier than I had ever been. I found that by allowing myself EVERYTHING and not putting any food “off-limits” I craved less! I’m not kidding. I am also shocked at how so many of my stomach pains/issues went away since I stopped eating only “sugar-free” candies/desserts. I used to have stomach pains to the point I’d have to unbutton my pants, lay down, and not move. Now, I NEVER do.
I didn’t want to share any of this for a long time because I almost don’t want my past self to be what I am defined as today… But it is a huge part of my story and now that I am in the healthiest mindset I’ve ever been in, it’s time to try to help others. I KNOW so many women struggle with this still and it breaks my heart. It’s not a way to live!
So here are some things I have learned….
Make Peace with Food.
This one is first because I truly believe this one has helped me the most. We need to learn and educate ourselves on FOOD. Food is a GIFT. It’s not evil and there just to make us gain weight and be miserable… it is there to fuel our everyday life. It’s also a huge blessing to have food so accessible to us.
For years, I would CONSTANTLY label food. The “good” foods, the “bad” foods, and everything in between. I remember buying “sugar-free” candy at the store and only getting “reduced-fat” this and that. And guess WHAT? I had the WORST stomach pains of my life those years. Dellibitating stomach pains. Start learning how your body FEELS after you eat certain foods. You’ll automatically start craving the good, real stuff.
Nothing is off-limits for me these days and I am shocked at how healing it is to just tell yourself “I can eat ANYTHING I want!” You will actually crave less. I promise. I eat whatever bagel, donut, pizza, pasta, ice cream I want and go off how I FEEL both during and after. Educate yourself and research more on intuitive eating. Stop counting calories. Stop eating when you feel full. Start focusing on food that fuels you for the better. It is a miracle worker.
Throw away the scale.
Will helped me on this one. One morning, I woke up and went right to the bathroom to step on the scale and it was gone. What in the world? I could NOT find it. I asked Will where it was and he said, “Oh in the garbage outside!” I thought he was crazy and I was so mad but after I stopped weighing myself I could NOT believe how much it helped me. I used to feel like each day was either good or bad depending on the number I saw on the scale. Stop weighing yourself! It’s just a number. Why does it matter? And if you exercise and it increases, it’s probably muscle mass! Gaining weight is not always a bad thing. Throw 👏🏼 it 👏🏼 away 👏🏼
My mom has always been the best example of this. We never owned a scale in our household growing up, she never let us girls (my sisters and I!) weigh ourselves, and has always thought being skinny is the least important thing about someone. Thanks for your example, mom ❤️
For WHAT?
This one is a little harder for me to explain but it’s one that has really helped me…
In 2016, we went to Hawaii with my family on a trip. I remember hardly eating any desserts and running 6 miles a day getting ready for that beach picture I wanted with Will. One morning, I woke up early, went to the gym, exercised my little heart out, and then made Will come down with me for a picture. In the morning. Before we were even swimming. Big yikes.
After looking at the picture, I was hardly even pleased with it but still posted it anyways. After it was up for like twenty minutes, I deleted it. I felt weird posting a bikini pic and didn’t really want to post a bikini pic.
Sooooo… all of that for what? That deprivation, exercising, energy, focus, not eating the Hula Pie… for what? A picture? That I ended up deleting? Just don’t take the dang picture if it stresses you out that bad! Enjoy life! OR take the picture and LOVE how you look no matter what and STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. Easier said than done, of course. But constantly work towards that mindset.
Dig down and think WHY are you wanting to be so “skinny”? For what? For who? Is it really worth being so miserable? Find people that love you just the way you are.
Remember the miracle your body is.
I remember the first time I opened up about body image on my Instagram, I was flooded with so many messages from you guys that helped me so much. One message (I wish I remembered who it was from.. ah sorry!) said something so profound.
They said something along the lines of Imagine yourself getting to heaven and God asking how your experience on earth was and how you treated your body (your greatest gift!) and you said, “Oh yeah I hated it. It was never good enough, I wish I was skinnier, I hated my legs, and I never even enjoyed it. Thanks though, God!”
Could you imagine? Having a functioning body is a miracle from God we should never take for granted. Remember how when you’re sick you promise yourself you’ll never take your good health for granted again? Have that perspective for your body each and every day. What if tomorrow it went away? What if something happened and you could never walk again? What if something tragic happened? You would regret every second of not being so grateful for your body exactly the way it is.
Our body is the biggest gift God could give us. Embrace it how He made it. He made it special just for you.
Stop talking about weight with friends/family.
This one is a big one for me and one I am not perfect at.
Let’s try to stop the conversations about people gaining/losing weight with our friends and family.
If you are surrounded by people who put too much emphasis on body image, sit them down and tell them how it affects you. A lot of people don’t know they’re being hurtful.
Also, don’t bring up weight in front of your kids! Don’t let the next generation fall into the trap that bodies are what define people. I never talk about weight with my daughter or talk about other people’s weight in front of her. They are listening and can be affected at such a young age. I was!
Buy clothes that fit you
I am a size 8 shoe. I would never walk into a store and buy a size 6 and hope one day it will miraculously fit. It is never going to fit.
The same goes for our bodies. We are all BUILT (by design) differently. All of us. And it’s the most beautiful thing ever!!! Imagine how spooky it would look if we all looked the exact same. Diversity is a beautiful thing.
Are you still trying to fit into those jeans that fit you years ago? Do yourself a favor and go buy clothes that fit RIGHT NOW! Buy clothes that you are obsessed with and that fit your body type in this season of your life. There’s nothing better than feeling incredible in an outfit you’re obsessed with. Even if that means you go up a size. Or two.
Positive Self Talk.
Your mind is a powerful thing. So powerful it can completely dictate everything you do in life. I personally love mantras when my mind wanders to things that stress me out. Brene Brown also suggests switching to gratitude anytime you have a negative/anxious thought.
If you have a negative view of your body, come up with a mantra! Put it as your phone background, write it out, print it out, and scream it out until it is ingrained in your head.
Example:
Mind: thinks about how badly you hate your body…
You: My body is a gift. I am grateful it allows me to walk and run wherever I need it to. Thank you, God, for this gift.
Mind: thinks about how terrible you are for eating that bowl of sugary cereal…
You: having food so accessible is such a blessing. I am grateful I honored my craving and had that cereal. Maybe tomorrow night I could try something that doesn’t give me a stomach ache after!
Mind: ugh I wish I had her body
You: I am so grateful we all have different bodies that God gave us. I am going to focus on feeling my best, healthy self and not let how other people look affect me.
Say those mantras over and over until you actually believe them. I set a mantra one New Year as a resolution as it literally changed my LIFE.
Who do you follow?
Speaking of, how do you feel after scrolling your Instagram feed? Uplifted? Sucky? Worse off than when started? Go through your following list and simply unfollow or mute any accounts that don’t make you feel good about yourself. Some fitness “motivation” accounts can simply only depress you rather than motivate you. Follow body positivity accounts like Happily Fed, Beauty Redefined, etc. instead. Take into account your feelings after you scroll through social media and take charge.
In the end…
You deserve to feel your absolute best every day. This life is SO SHORT and so unpredictable. Enjoy it! Wear the dang two-piece swimsuit, play with your kids in the water, and love every inch of the greatest blessing God has given to you. Cellulite and all!
I love you. God loves you! EXACTLY how you are. Express gratitude for the body you already have. It’s our greatest gift.
-Liv
Please use this website as a resource if you ever need help ❤️
